Test I (from 1066 and All That) TEST PAPER I: UP TO THE END OF 1066

1. Which do you consider were the more alike, Caesar or Pompey, or vice versa ? (Be brief).

2. Discuss, in latin or gothic (but not both), whether the Northumbrian Bishops were more schismatical than the Cumbrian Abbots. (Be bright.)

3. Which came first, A.D. or B.C. ? (Be careful.)

4. Has it never occurred to you that the Romans counted backwards ? (Be honest.)

5. How angry would you be if it was suggested
(a) That the Xth Chap. of the Consolations of Boethius was an interpolated palimpsest ?
(b) That an eisteddfod was an agricultural implement?

6. How would you have attempted to deal with
a) The Venomous Bead ?
b) A Mabinogion or Wapentake ? (Be quick.)

7. What would have happened if
(a) Boadicea had been the daughter of Edward the Confessor ?
(b) Canute had succeeded in sitting on the waves ? Does it matter ?

8. Have you the faintest recollection of
(a) Ethelbreth ?
(b) Athelthral ?
(c) Thruthelthrolth ?

Labels: history

  ¶ 12/30/2009 03:49:00 AM 0 comments

  1,000 Brilliant Lies (by Hafez)

Labels: poetry

  ¶ 12/26/2009 01:27:00 PM 0 comments

  The Company of Claus I've been learning much about St. Nicholas and his companions this week. I'm not sure how to organize this into any orderly form, so here's what I've discovered in somewhat random order.

First, here is an excellent, illustrated story by Ogden Nash, "The Boy Who Laughed at Santa Claus."

Phyllis McGinley wrote a fantastic poem about St. Nicholas and Santa Claus called Origin of Species. Here's a small sampling of it:

He who had feared
The world's applause,
Now, with a beard,
Is Santa Claus.
A multiplied elf, he struts and poses,
Ringing up sales
In putty noses;
With Comet and Cupid
His constant partners,
Telling tall tales to kindergart'ners,
His halo fickle as
Wind and wave.
While dizzily Nicholas
Spins in his grave.

Kris Kringle is NOT Santa Claus' "real" name. In fact, it is the name of a Christmas tradition begun by Martin Luther to discourage devotion to St. Nicholas. He came up with this idea that the Christ Child (Christkindl or Kris Kringle), a sprite-like child with blond hair and angelic wings, shows up to give presents to the good girls and boys. He intended it to be a reference to the incarnation of Jesus as a baby.

Czech people call him Ježíšek or, as Ricky Bobby would say, "tiny 8lb. baby Jesus lying in a manger don't know a word yet." Family send presents to one another in Ježíšek's name and unwrap them in the family circle. I kind of like that tradition. Regardless, this might be a tradition for modern-day Protestants who don't like St. Nicholas OR Santa Claus to pick up.

But, really, who wouldn't like St. Nicholas? He's awesome! He's a face punching, dead-raising, child-scaring beast of a saint! Here are three reasons to at least respect, if not outright venerate, St. Nicholas:

1. He's the patron saint of pawnbrokers. It's true! The symbol found on pawn shops (three gold balls) is a reference to the three bags, or coins, of gold St. Nicholas gave to a poor man so his daughters wouldn't have to be sold into prostitution. OK, so maybe it's a reference to the Medici family. Or, you know, maybe it's Brad Roberts?
   
2. He's not above giving a smackdown in the name of Jay-sus. At the Council of Nicea, St. Nicholas got so angry at Arius saying that God the Son (aka. tiny, baby Jesus) wasn't co-eternal or co-substantial with God the Father that he punched him. It's true. Here are the pictures from TMZ: 1, 2, 3
   
3. If the story of the pickled boys isn't true, it SHOULD be. So far, I've heard three versions of this story. The most common is that there were three boys who were chopped up and pickled in brine to be sold by a butcher. In another, it was three seminary students who were waiting to get St. Nicholas' blessing who, while they slept, were killed and hidden in a barrel. (You can see the rest of St. Nicholas life in stained glass at Chartres Cathedral.) In the Golden Legend of St. Nicholas is the true story from which, I think, the other two sprang. In this one, St. Nicholas intervenes to rescue three, innocent men who have been sentenced to death.

I should include a #4 as well. You'd BETTER venerate St. Nicholas, OR ELSE! The guy who picked the boys still hangs around with jolly, old St. Nicholas. In France, they know him as Le Père Fouettard, or "Father Spanky." If you are good, you get presents from the former. If you are bad, you get whipped by the latter. (I suppose this is better than the Brazilian version of St. Nicholas who, if you don't leave him some butter, will eat your toes.) Father Spanky is one of several Knecht Ruprecht traditions featuring nasty companions who beat up the bad children while St. Nicholas rewards the good ones. (Etymological note: "Knecht Ruprecht" translates to "boogeyman." But just "knecht" is "servant." It is almost the same word as the Old English "cniht," which is "child" or "servant," which eventually became "knight.") But Father Spanky and all the other Knecht Ruprechts are the least of your worries. Because, in some parts of the world, St. Nicholas is accompanied on his annual journey around the world by ...


His name is derived from the old Germanic word for "claw." That's right, kiddies! He's Santa's CLAW! And he's coming for you! I mean, seriously, look at these things. I was first alterted to his existence when a fellow teacher told me about the story Stephen Colbert did on him. This guy is SCARY! He looks scarier than anything that comes out on All Hallows Eve. If you're good, you've got nothing to worry about. But if not, he will either A) beat you with birch rods, B) throw you in his burlap sack and beat you with rusty chains or C) drag you to hell. I heard of a woman who, when she was six, saw three Krampii (plural of Krampus) waiting at her door. In fear, she ran to her mom for protection. Her mom TOOK HER OUTSIDE at which point the Krampii told the child to confess everything she had done wrong the previous year or risk beatings and eternal damnation!


Anyway, I was shocked and amazed to find that there is no Krampus horror movie out there. But there are several songs. This one is very informative and has lovely animation (kind of). But this song is the best. It combines all the holly jollility of modern, yuletide songs with the stright up creepitude of Krampus. The band, Les Barons, has a recording on their website. Click on the "songs" tab and scroll down to Xmas with Krampus. Here are the lyrics:

Christmas is coming, children are running.
The ones who are good, are gonna have fun.
The ones who are bad, are gonna be sad,
cause disappointing Santa makes Krampus mad.
It's nice to be nice, and it's good to be good.
If you are not, let it be understood,
that Santa's got a list and a sleigh full of toys,
but he only deals with the good girls and boys.

[Chorus]
Snow is falling everywhere, everyone is full of cheer.
If you've been good all year, you ain't got nothing to fear.
Although, you think that you know,
half of the story you've never been told.
So I'm telling you now, you better not lie.
Because if you do, then he's coming for you
and there's nowhere to hide.
This time there's no visit from Santa.
This year it's christmas with Krampus.

Sleigh bells ringing, children are singing,
praises of Santa and gifts he'll be bringing.
Never forget old Saint Nick's clause,
no gifts for the wicked is Santa's law. [Chorus]

So my friend we come to the end
of this Christmas song with a message to send.
Always be kind and do what is right,
or it might be Krampus down your chimney tonight. [Chorus]

Labels: christmas, history

  ¶ 12/18/2009 10:59:00 PM 1 comments

  What's Your Superpower? (100%) 1: Multiple Powers-If this is #1 on your list, the next two powers are yours.
(98%) 2: Shapeshifting
(94%) 3: Flying
(85%) 4: Invisibility
(84%) 5: Super Speed
(83%) 6: Control of Animals
(83%) 7: Stretching
(82%) 8: Psychic Powers
(77%) 9: Invincibility
(74%) 10: Water Breathing
(65%) 11: Laser Vision
(61%) 12: Haha! You're just a normal person.
(60%) 13: Pyrokenesis
(59%) 14: Control Of the Dead
(57%) 15: Super Strength  ¶ 12/16/2009 04:12:00 PM 0 comments

  Christmas in America For the past several years, we have been waging a very important war. No, it's not in Iraq. It's also not in Afghanistan. It's not even the border between us and Mexico. The war is on Christmas. Ever since the Puritans outlawed Christmas, first in England and then in the US, this holiday has been under attack. Remember "X-mas"? Nevermind that "X" is a common abbreviation for "Christ" (X is C in Greek). It is obviously an attack! And then, large stores started directing their greeters to say "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas." How dare they! I mean, "Holiday" does mean "Holy Day," but it's obviously a ploy to remove Christ from a very Christ-centered holiday. Whoops! Didn't mean to say that. Last year, in Australia, we found that Santa's were no longer allowed to say, "Ho, ho, ho." They must say, "He, he, he." Seriously! Nevermind that it sounds like he (he he)'s plotting to take over the world. I mean, I don't want my child sitting on the lap of anyone who constantly says, "He, he, he" like a maniac! Granted, it is in Australia, but it's bound to make its way here. There's no defense against boomerangs.

This year, rather than sitting back to see what attack will be made on Christmas this year, the local Christian radio station (91.9) decided to go on the offensive. (I cannot emphasize the word "offensive" enough.) They fired a peremptory salvo on All Hallows Eve (you know, Satan's birthday) by playing 24 hours of Christmas music. Then, they (as many secular stations do) went to an all Christmas playlist right around Thanksgiving (an entirely, secular holiday instituted by the State which celebrates the group of Christians who banned Christmas and later killed the people who helped feed them on Thanksgiving). And, best of all, one of the announcers made a challenge to their listeners. NO SECULAR DECORATIONS. No blow-up Santas ('cause St. Nicholas isn't good enough for them). No snowmen ('cause when Frosty melts in the greenhouse in the special, it's a CLEAR propaganda technique cooked up by the cabal of science out to ruin American, capital interests ... 'cause, you know, Jesus WANTS us to be rich!). No, what, no lights? I don't know.

Here's what's especially fun about this. 91.9 is billed as a "family friendly" station. This translates to "absolutely nothing offensive." They would NEVER play Rich Mullin's Hard to Get (covered here by Phil Stacy, aka Puppetmaster). They certainly wouldn't play anything by Derek Webb (who says uncomfortable things) or John Michael Talbot ('cause he's one of those Whore of Babylon dudes). Nor, I guess, would they read from Song of Solomon or most of the rest of the Old Testament. I mean, if Derek Webb can't sing:

I am a whore, I do confess
I put you on just like a wedding dress
And I run down the isle

then I guess they don't want God saying to Hosea:

Take unto thee a wife of whoredom

CHILDREN might hear that! What was God THINKING???

Wait, what was I talking about? Oh, yes, no secular decorations. Well, as it turns out, large portions of the corpus of "music" played on 91.9 during this time of year are secular tunes. "Frosty the Snowman." "Chestnuts roasting on an open fire." "Winter Wonderland." In other words, their music reflects the very things our decorations are supposed to shun. Ha! I LOVE it! Fortunately, though, they will avoid such troublesome tunes as "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen" because that was sung by Barenaked Ladies. We can't have that! Although barenaked David dancing before the Ark of the Covenant is ok.

In the midst of this terrible war, it behooves us to pause and consider what it is that we are fighting for.

Christmas in America currently begins about October1st. This is when the first commercial regarding a Christmas sale is aired. This date is earlier every year, and I fully expect it will be about February 4th in 15 years or so. Christmas used to begin with the airing of the Charlie Brown Christmas Special, but since it is out on video we can truly celebrate all year long.

The official season, however, begins the day after Thanksgiving. The night before, all the ghosts and goblins eat up the Halloween decorations and there is a great battle between them and the elves who have come bearing tinsel and lights and those blow-up thingies that go in the front yard to put up in their place. (In case you're wondering if there's an inflatable nativity scene to take the place of your blow up Santa, have no fear. You can add this to the cavalcade of bad nativities.) The next day is known as Black Friday, probably because 98% of the remaining ozone is mutilated as everyone piles into the malls to buy whatever is the "thing" this year. (Has anyone considered that Christmas might just be a ploy by Santa to increase greenhouse gas emissions in order to turn the North Pole into a tropical paradise?) Remember when people were trampled to death over Cabbage Patch Dolls?. Or the incredibly creepy Tickle-Me-Elmo?

Often, people will hold all-night vigils to be sure they are the first ones in line for the Sunrise Service at Khol's or Target. Last year, the devotees of Father Christmas were particularly desirous of a blessed buying season, resorting to human sacrifice. After the buying frenzy, Wall Street and the nightly news will begin to break down this year's sales as opposed to last year's. This will determine whether Wal Mart, the god of Christmas, has blessed this season. And, now that the credit markets are as frozen as Santa's outhouse, it has become our patriotic duty to purchase everything in sight, thereby keeping our economy alive. Flag, cash, check and card waving patriots should throng the stores this year in preparation for the season and support of Uncle Sam.

Many people will begin a penitential practice whereby they bind themselves financially to a store for weeks and months in the hopes of winning salvation. This is called "Layaway." If you do not properly give your income to your chosen god, all that you have been given will be taken and you will be left with nothing but the god of the underworld. His name is "Badcre Dit." Using his agents of disaster; Visa, Mastercard and Discover; you will find that he is everywhere you do not want him to be. He has the power to ruin you for all eternity, or at least for the next thirty years. Sing his mantra and he may have mercy:



Sorry.

Towards the end of the Christmas season, many who did not appease Wal Mart must perform the ritual dance called "Last Minute Shopping." These people jump in their cars and listen to The Redneck Days of Christmas, Jolly Old St. Nicholas, It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year, and other penitential music (especially the cruel and unusual Little Drummer Boy and Do You Hear What I Hear and anything by Manheim Steamroller/Trans-Siberian Orchestra) as they pull out their hair while speeding from store to store in a vain attempt to buy nonexistent perfect gifts. In the end, all settle for the ever personal "Gift Card" at 11:59 pm, just in time to avoid the wrath of Wal Mart.

At this time families are separated as they must perform their obligatory duties. Children go to sleep waiting for Wal Mart, aka, Santa to bring them more stuff. Mothers begin cooking the dreaded beast, "Christmas Turkey" as they wrestle with the greatest challenge of all! MAKING CANNED CRANBERRY SAUCE LOOK PALATABLE RATHER THAN LIKE CLEAR, RED DOG FOOD!!!!


(Sorry.) At this time fathers must bind themselves to the presents which still have to be built. Late in the night you can hear the rhythmic drumming and cursing as thumbs are smashed and that damn swingset is assembled.

The highlight of the season is Christmas day. It starts at 3:00 am when children mistake the light of Venus for sunrise. They rush down to wake the parents, who tell them that the sun has not yet risen. Since they went to bed 13 minutes earlier, it is understandable why they gag their children and duck tape them to bed for three more hours.

Eventually all rise and there is a small moment of joy until the children find that they have a gift certificate instead of Dragon Ball Z. As the whining begins, the true test of Christmas Spirit begins. Relatives! And those most sinister of relatives..... in-laws!


Sorry.

Traditional holiday exchanges at this time include:

• The turkey is very crispy.
• Son, would you like me to help you put that together right?
• Why aren't you wearing the pretty fuscia sweater with the poodle I got you last year?
• I have the receipt if you don't want it.
• It's fine.
• It might not fit.
• It's fine!
• The color might be bad.
• IT'S FINE!
• You won't hurt my feelings if you return it.
• DAMMIT! IT'S FINE, FINE, FIIIIIIIIINE!!

(At this point the in-laws leave and divorce is discussed.)

About 2 pm, if you don't have to visit other family, it is all over. The best part of the season is knowing that you don't have to stress any more. BUT, it is not over yet. Oh no! There are two more rituals.

The first is the December 26th, also known as the Day of Reincarnation or the Day of Returns. On this day, the beneficent Wal Mart makes a special line where worshippers may give back that which was borrowed from him. He, in return, gives them something they really want. Money.

The final ritual is the dismantling of the tree. This is a most horrific trial. Despite all desires to save yourself the trouble of untangling lights next Christmas, what inevitably happens is that the ornaments, lights and icicles are shaken into a box from an inverted tree by a disgusted family. The tree is then dumped like cheap whore on the side of the road. (Christmas trees do have the last laugh as their strategically hidden tinsel clogs vacuum cleaners until Easter. The cycle of Christmas tinsel to Easter grass is known as the American Liturgical Consumer Year.) This last and horrific ritual is usually put off until February 3rd.

Christmas starts the next day.

Labels: christmas, humor

  ¶ 12/01/2009 05:09:00 PM 5 comments

  The Great Pumpkin, Snuffalupagus and the Pink Unicorn Blessed Feast of the Great Pumpkin! And may all of us who believe things that cannot be proven find comfort in the faith prophet of the Pumpkin, St. Linus of the Patch. Like a stylite, he sits alone and waits for something in which he believes despite a lack of any conclusive evidence to arrive. So those of us who believe without proof that there is a God (or no God), or that the world was created in six days (or evolved over billions of years) or in the Bible (or in Science); we all sit there together whether we are willing to admit it or not. Here's a couple of Great Pumpkin resources and connections which you might find interesting:

Sartre & Peanuts: Charlie Brown is an Existentialist:

Every Halloween, Linus faithfully waits by a pumpkin patch, in the hopes that he will be blessed with the holy experience of a visitation by The Great Pumpkin. Of course, The Great Pumpkin never shows up, and He never answers Linus' letters. Despite this, Linus remains steadfast, even going door to door to spread the word of his absent deity. Does The Great Pumpkin exist? We can never know. But from an existential point of view, it doesn't matter if he exists or not. The important thing is that Linus is abandoned and alone in his pumpkin patch.

The Book of Linus:

It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown ... provides us with one of American filmmaking’s most lucid depictions of the struggle between existentialism and religious determinism. It is a film that skirts the line between the secular and the sacrosanct, a children’s work that finds the spiritual in the mundane, and specifically attempts to locate the divine in the pagan. The Great Pumpkin himself, defined at once by his presence and non-presence, looms large over cartoonist Schulz’s world, witnessing as we do the interactions of these little people way down below, all of them stuck in a deceptively benign universe, beset by ironic turnabouts, lacking any sort of parental authority, trapped within the same clothes day in and day out, never aging. There must be a greater, controlling being to whisk them from this stasis.

There is even a Great Pumpkin Objection to the Reformed Epistemological assertion that belief in God is "properly basic":

It is tempting to raise the following sort of question. If belief in God can be properly basic, why cannot just any belief be properly basic? Could we not say the same for any bizarre aberration we can think of? What about voodoo or astrology? What about the belief that the Great Pumpkin returns every Halloween? Could I properly take that as basic? Suppose I believe that if I flap my arms with sufficient vigor, I can take off and fly about the room; could I defend myself against the charge of irrationality by claiming this belief is basic? If we say that belief in God is properly basic, will we not be committed to holding that just anything, or nearly anything, can properly be taken as basic, thus throwing wide the gates to irrationalism and superstition? (p. 74)

In short, the Great Pumpkin Objection states that Reformed epistemology is so liberal that it allows belief in any sort of far-fetched entity to be justified as simply foundational or basic. Someone might, for example, take as basic the belief that the Great Pumpkin is all-powerful, just as the Reformed epistemologist takes a similar belief in God as basic. Perhaps the belief is grounded in an experiential belief, such as Plantinga (1993b) describes. Thus, the objection intends to show that there must be something wrong with Reformed epistemology if it allows belief in the Great Pumpkin to be warranted as basic.

This kind of belief reminds me of two things. Do you recall Snuffalupagus from Sesame Street, Big Bird's "imaginary" friend? For 17 seasons, Big Bird tried to convince the adults that he existed. There was some evidence, such as a ginormous teddy bear like a watch laying in a field. Eventually, the writers of the show decided to reveal Snuffy (whose first name is Aloysius ... go figure) to the adults because they wanted adults to believe kids when they said they were being abused. What a sadly horrific reason for a plot device!

The other thing is the Invisible Pink Unicorn which represents atheism. It is a fusion between the mathematical void symbol and the stylized representation of an unicorn. The void symbol (empty set Ø) is an allusion to nothingness and in this case meaning "no faith" or "no god". The unicorn is a reference to a kind of story that atheists often tell to make their point. In this case one of the first stories to circulate the Internet newsgroups: The Invisible Pink Unicorn.

The Invisible Pink Unicorn (blessed be her holy hooves) is a fictional female deity in the form of a unicorn. The goddess was invented at the usenet discussion group alt.atheism as an alternative to other parody deities like Church of the SubGenius "J.R. Bob Dobbs" or Eris of the Discordianism. Quoting from the alt.atheism FAQ:

Like most Goddesses, she's invisible and highly unlikely to exist. However, there is much argument as to her exact colour, her shape and size, and other properties of her nonexistence. She burns with anger against theists, and allegedly grinds them beneath her holy hooves.

The "believers" famous sayings about faith in the invisible pink unicorn is that, like other religions, it is founded in science and faith. Science - that states that she must be invisible, since we cannot see her. Faith - because we know in our heart that the invisible pink unicorn exists. This is of course a parody of the theological reasoning of other religions. Oddly enough, it's also a parody of itself, as atheism, like religion, takes on faith that there is no God when no proof can be given either for the existence of the universe or non-existence of God. It's all religion. It's all the Great Pumpkin.

There are three things I have learned never to discuss with people: religion, politics, and the Great Pumpkin.
- Linus Van Pelt

You must be crazy. When are you going to stop believing in something that doesn't exist?
- Charlie Brown

Here's the Halloween post from previous years:
- Sandman (Creeeeeepy!!!)
- All Hallows Eve

  ¶ 10/31/2009 09:44:00 AM 0 comments

  Instant Worship Song Generator This Summer, after visiting several churches while puttering around on vacation, Josiah asked me:

Dad, why do all worship leaders look like they're in pain when they're
singing?

This reminded me of another friend who, upon being introduced to a local church phenomenon called Elevation said of the music:

It's like Bon Jovi, but with less meaning and more repitition.

This prompted me to repost one of my more favorite blogs with some additions. Enjoy!

Want to write worship songs but can't seem to find the words? Now you can create your own deceptively simple yet unique and meaningful songs in seconds with the amazing Instant Worship Song Generator © Simplistic Systems 1995

Worship leader secrets

Learn the secrets of great worship song writers like, er.. can't think of any at the moment, but there are some, I'm sure.

Magic formula

Simply select a word from each column by rolling a die, or casting lots or whatever, and insert them into the following special formula:

More verses?

If other verses are necessary, simply use one or two of the other words from Column 1, remembering to switch from 'we' to 'I' in the penultimate verse to facilitate a brief more personal and individual meditation, returning to the more congregation-unifying 'we' for the last verse. If even greater complexity is desired, repeat the word from Column 1 as many times as is thought devotionally appropriate.

Copyright ©

Then, get your song copyrighted (very important), find a tune as bland and simplistic as the lyrics (if possible) and you are ready to begin praising and magnifying almost at once.

GUARANTEED 100% CONTENT-FREE, contains no MEANING or SUBSTANCE, SUITABLE FOR NON-THEOLOGIANS

Labels: humor, lyrics, religion

  ¶ 10/06/2009 07:39:00 PM 2 comments

  "Bacon's Rebellion" or "H1N1 Ear and Out the Other" I got the swine flu. I can't believe it. I got the swine flu. I feel like such a cliche. One day, I thought a had a bad cold. The next morning, I had 103 degree temperature and felt like death. As the Epic of Gilgamesh says, I was "pale as a severed head." I tried to ignore the initial physical symptoms:

But by the time the disease had progressed to it's peak state, it was pretty hard to ignore:

Fortunately, the fever has finally broken and I am on my way back to some semblance of normalcy. I ill-stay ave-hay a endency-tay oo-tay eak-spay ig-pay atin-lay, but it comes and oes-gay.

Seriously, I can't remember feeling this bad for this long in a long while. It was such a raging butt-kicker, I thought it deserved to be immortalized in sonnet form. So, without further ado, I give you Bacon's Rebellion (or H1N1 Ear and Out the Other):


Other swine flu resources:

• Prairie Home Companion interviews a pig
• Pigs didn't start the swine flu ...

Labels: humor, personal, poetry

  ¶ 9/27/2009 03:37:00 PM 0 comments

  Top 10 Reasons Jesus Was a Commie/Socialist OK, so Obama did lie in his big health care speech. So he's dragging us down the road to socialism ... even communism. Thing is, Jesus was a socialist commie, too! Woody Guthrie knew it. For the doubtful, here are ten reasons which prove it:

1. The early church held all things in common. He commanded us to give our excess stuff to the poor. Heck, He commanded us to sell EVERYTHING and give it to the poor.

• And all that believed were together, and had all things common; and sold their possessions and goods, and parted them to all men, as every man had need. Acts 2:44,45
• And the multitude of them that believed were of one heart and of one soul: neither said any of them that ought of the things which he possessed was his own; but they had all things common. Neither was there any among them that lacked: for as many as were possessors of lands or houses sold them, and brought the prices of the things that were sold, and laid them down at the apostles' feet: and distribution was made unto every man according as he had need. Acts 4:32, 34-35
• He answereth and saith unto them, He that hath two coats, let him impart to him that hath none; and he that hath meat, let him do likewise. Luke 3:11
• Jesus said unto him, If thou wilt be perfect, go and sell that thou hast, and give to the poor, and thou shalt have treasure in heaven: and come and follow me. Matthew 19:21

2. He commanded universal health care.

• But when thou makest a feast, call the poor, the maimed, the lame, the blind: and thou shalt be blessed; for they cannot recompense thee ... Luke 13:14, 15

3. Like many commies, He writes in red letters.

4. Like Marx, His followers believed the rich exploited the working class.

• But ye have despised the poor. Do not rich men oppress you, and draw you before the judgment seats? James 2:6

5. Like Marx, He believed the religious leaders contributed to that exploitation.

• Woe unto you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! for ye make clean the outside of the cup and of the platter, but within they are full of extortion and excess. Matthew 23:25

6. Like Marx, He believed in the violent overthrow of the upper class.

• And they come to Jerusalem: and Jesus went into the temple, and began to cast out them that sold and bought in the temple, and overthrew the tables of the moneychangers. Mark 11:15

7. Mary, His mother, agreed.

• He hath put down the mighty from their seats, and exalted them of low degree. He hath filled the hungry with good things; and the rich he hath sent empty away. Luke 1:53
• Historical note: During the reign of the military junta in Guatemala, led by General Efraín Ríos Montt; public recitation of the Magnificat was banned because it was considered too "subversive."
  

8. He considered the poor and those who cared for them to be blessed.

• Blessed is he that considereth the poor: the LORD will deliver him in time of trouble. Psalm 41:1
• Blessed be ye poor: for yours is the kingdom of God. Luke 6:20

9. In the Old Testament, the people of God were commanded to give care to illegal aliens.

• He doth execute the judgment of the fatherless and widow, and loveth the stranger, in giving him food and raiment. Deuteronomy 10:18
• And the Levite, (because he hath no part nor inheritance with thee,) and the stranger, and the fatherless, and the widow, which are within thy gates, shall come, and shall eat and be satisfied; that the LORD thy God may bless thee in all the work of thine hand which thou doest. Deuteronomy 14:29
• When thou cuttest down thine harvest in thy field, and hast forgot a sheaf in the field, thou shalt not go again to fetch it: it shall be for the stranger, for the fatherless, and for the widow: that the LORD thy God may bless thee in all the work of thine hands. When thou beatest thine olive tree, thou shalt not go over the boughs again: it shall be for the stranger, for the fatherless, and for the widow. When thou gatherest the grapes of thy vineyard, thou shalt not glean it afterward: it shall be for the stranger, for the fatherless, and for the widow. Deuteronomy 24:19-21
• And oppress not the widow, nor the fatherless, the stranger, nor the poor. Zechariah 7:10

10. Finally, He was a bleeding heart.

• But one of the soldiers with a spear pierced his side, and forthwith came there out blood and water. John 19:34

Labels: humor, politics, religion

  ¶ 9/12/2009 11:30:00 PM 0 comments

  Summertime, and the livin' is ... crispy (The following is an accurate, if stylized, account of our week in Charleston, SC this Summer.)

In the first year of the reign of Obamagustus Caesar, the word of the students came to the White One, whom some call Swamp Teacher:

Thus saith Alice Cooper:
There shalt not be pencils.
There shalt not be books.
There shalt not be teacher's dirty looks.
For, lo, school doth be out for Summer.

And the Swamp Teacher replied, "Yea, verily, forsooth and get the heck out of my sight ... amen."

Thus it was that he began to contemplate a fitting respite for himself and his kin, that they might recuperate from the previous year. And the Swamp Teacher said, "Verily, I wish to become a son of the beach. Let us vacate to the house of Charles in the town of Charles in the State of Charles, which is also known as the Land that Time Forgot." And so saying, he attempted to pack for seven days of rest. And, lo, this was a very bad idea, for he did sucketh at packing and they didst resemble the Hillbillies of Beverly when he had finished.

On the day appointed, being the Eve of the Day of Independence (for White, Male Landowners), the Swamp Teacher and his kin didst mount their transport. And they didst have to make room for Swamp Teacher Jr., which the Swamp Teacher himself had neglected to do. And they didst mosey on down the road.

And, lo, the first calamity fell upon them, for as they didst travel, the cooler of the air didst heave a great heave and gasp a great gasp and die a sure death with a most disconcerting death rattle. And, verily, it was a four hour journey to the town of Charles. And very verily, it wast hotter than Tartarus. And, alas, the four and fifty-five air conditioning was not sufficient. Yea, they sweatted mightily. And, boo, it is broken still.

And when they hadst vacated for two days, they didst go to the beach. And, lo, the second calamity fell upon them. For Poseidon didst covet the ring of the Swamp Teacher and didst steal it into his watery depths. And there was much mourning and weeping and gnashing of numbers, for it cost quite a bit more than a day's wages.

And when four more days had passed, they didst go to the beach again on the day of Thor. And, lo, the third calamity fell upon them. For the Swamp Teacher didst believe that he had a base tan, and didst have faith that the SPF-50 would protect him, and verily, he wast wrong. Oh, so verily, verily wrong. For he was baked like bacon and burnt like buns. Verily, he wast Chrispy. And his name wast changed from Mr. White to Mr. Fuchsia, for that wast the color of his skin. And, verily, he didst say many variations of a word that sounded much like the original pronunciation of fuchsia.

For, lo, he didst hurt. He wouldst have cried, if not for the saline in his tears which didst burn his exposed nerves and all moisture having been cooked from his body anyway. And he didst yell at everyone to look away, for he couldst feel the weight of their glances. It didst hurt to stand. It didst hurt to sit. It didst hurt to lay down. The cold didst hurt. The heat didst hurt. And, verily, it took many weeks for him to again be Mr. White and not Mr. Fuchsia, and in some places, he still peeleth.

And when they hadst returned home, they didst revel in the vacation from their vacation. And, they didst find a new ring. And, lo, it spinneth. And when he returned to the Valley of the Sun, he wast no longer the Swamp Teacher. Yea, he wast Rhombulus of the Wedgie. Although, verily, he didst still feel like a son of the beach.

Labels: humor, personal

  ¶ 8/22/2009 10:58:00 AM 2 comments

  Fun and Interesting Stuff

Labels: humor, pictures

  ¶ 8/10/2009 08:24:00 AM 1 comments

  Sowing Minced Oat(h)s When I was growing up, my parents were keen that we not "take the Lord's Name in vain," the 3rd Commandment. They interpreted this to mean not saying, "Oh my God," or "Jesus Christ," when surprised or in pain. Interestingly, this is often called "swearing." That is closer to the probable meaning of the Commandment, not swearing by the name of the Lord. Indeed, the common interpretation of this Commandment shows a misunderstanding of how the Jews understood the Name of the Lord and what exactly that meant. My personal interpretation is that you shouldn't use God's name to stamp something that God may or may not endorse. "God hates fags," for instance. Or figs. Given that interpretation, the kind of people who try to put the 10 Commandments hither, thither and yon are probably taking the Lord's name in vain more often than the average Quentin Tarentino film.

In an attempt to avoid vain-taking, I recall my mother (who could have quite a potty-mouth) screwing up her face in an effort NOT to say "God d***it!" and turn it into, "God bless America," instead. Others have used what are called "minced oaths." "Gosh" or "Golly" instead of "God," or "Geez" instead of "Jesus." My family tried to avoid these as well. Because, as they said, it's just as bad as saying the real thing. My brother's family has also taken my mother's route, substituting other words for "Gosh." They (jokingly) encourage their children to say, "Oh my Josh," (my brother's name) instead. This inspired me to come up with a list of potential swear phrases for a range of curse words substituting family names:

• Chuck you, mother chucker!
• Man, that is chucked-up.
• I'm chrissed off!
• Chris my ass!
  
• PAMMIT!

The thing is, most of these minced oaths are based on prayers. When you were scared, you shot off a quick prayer ... "Jesus, Mary and Joseph; protect me!" Somehow, this came to be considered vain-taking, which necessitated substituting other words for the names of God (primarily). But isn't substituting yet another word for the substitute still the same thing? In addition, there are so many phrases used as substitutes in minced oaths, it would take a concerted effort to rid oneself of all of them. Here's a long list of such terms, several of which Charlie Brown was wont to use (Good Grief = Good God), not to mention Yosemite Sam (Tarnation = D*mnation), Sylvester the Cat (Suffering Succotash = Suffering Savior) and even the chef from "Little Mermaid" (Sacré bleu = Sang de Dieu or "God's Blood"). Some of my favorites include:

• Zounds = God's wounds
• Odds-bodkins = God's body
• Jeezy Creezy = Jesus Christ
• Gadzooks = God's hooks (meaning the nails used at the crucifixion)

  ¶ 7/15/2009 08:36:00 AM 0 comments

  Viva la France! (For Bastille Day) ONE NATION ABOVE GOD

Home to Earth's entire population of 62.7 million people, every single one of the planet's 427 cities, and all of its history, culture and beauty; France is the only country in the world. Located directly in the center of the universe, around which everything else revolves, the nation of France is the sole beacon of life and civilization in an otherwise black and empty-void. Stretching from the globe's southernmost point in Marseilles to its northern tip in Paris, and extending all the way to the Far East, or Dijon, Francis known throughout France for its streets, buildings, wine and food - things that simply don't exist anywhere else.

The French have produced every great achievement in every field of endeavor in the history of mankind, including the sculptures of Michelangelo, the symphonies of Beethoven, and the writings of William Shakespeare. Today, this birthplace of art, aviation, democracy, coffee, man, Buddhism, socialism, reggae, John Wayne, pasta, karate, the American Revolution, arrogance, space exploration, the Nile River, and everything else that has ever come to pass,h as earned its place as the finest, greatest and best nation in all of France.

Flag - Representing existentialism, strikes and snobbiness


French people - Better than you

The people of France are extremely proud of their cultural achievements, and offer no apologies for giving the world such things as self-indulgent cinema, the beret, and the Frenchman. French citizens are known to welcome all tourists by offering a friendly sneer, a hearty goodbye and a warm, indecipherable greeting muttered under their breath. Then men of France - known internationally as God's gag gift to women - are internationally known for their amorous nature. However, they are often compared to French soldiers: Both come on strong, make a few quick mistakes, regret getting involved, lost all interest, and ultimately give up, but still have the temerity to brag about the conquest to their allies for years. On the international stage, the French have earned a reputation for being cold and standoffish, but they are always quick to condescend to a nation in need. If another country is in crisis, they are the first to tell them what they did wrong, send thousands of relief workers there to shake their heads disapprovingly, and donate millions of dollars in guilt-inducing foreign aid.

French Facts - Better than normal facts

• Population: 62,475,000 (32 million of which despise you personally)
• Primary contribution to world culture: The French Kiss
• Geography: High-and-mighty mountains in the southeast, overbearing coastal plains in the north, and pretentious, ostentatious river valleys in the west
• Workforce: 35 million full-time and freelance strikers
• Leading cause of death: Turtleneck asphyxiation
• Cinema: An average of 200 films are released each year, over half of which are about French cinema

History - A Vainglorious Revolution

• 26,000 BC: Archaeologists have unearthed the earliest-known French stereotypes, discovering several stone berets, an obsidian baguette, and an 8,000 year-old female skeleton with hairy armpits.
• 52 BC: Nearsighted Frenchmen surrender to a statue of Julius Caesar.
• 1429 AD: Joan of Arc, an illiterate 17-year-old, leads French troops to victory against England in the Hundred Year' Ear. Baffled and emasculated French soldiers are convinced the British only let her win because she's a girl.
• 1555: French astrologer Nostradamus accurately predicts the gullibility of future generations.
• 1750-1800: The French fake their way through the Enlightenment by stroking their chins, furrowing their brows, and gazing off into the distance whenever another European philosopher passes by.
• 1786: The illiterate French masses, finally realizing that current Kind Louis XVI is not in fact, the all-powerful Louis XIV, openly revolt and overthrow the oppressive system of Roman numerals.
• 1789: The Storming of the Bastille, followed by the Storming Out of the Bastille upon seeing a mouse.
• 1836: French architects create the Arc de Triomphe to commemorate the successful completion of the Arc de Triomphe.
• 1843: France surrenders to Spain moments before the first shots can be fire in what becomes known as the Negative Thirteen Seconds War.
• 1868: While excavating an ancient French restaurant at Les Eyzies, geologists discover Cro-Mignon, the world's oldest steak.
• 1883: Paris-born painter Claude Monet rents a house at Giverny, which boasts France's blurriest garden.
• 1915: French soldiers develop the wartime strategy of closing one's eyes and hoping it all goes away.
• 1919: France wins the Battle of the Treaty of Versailles.
• 1940: A confident French military enters WWII equipped with the most expensive hats of any army in Europe, the finest cigarettes a military budget can buy, and specially designed guns capable of being dropped in 0.85 seconds.
• 1942: Nation witnesses the first of many architecture booms, inspired by the cutting-edge German Destructionist Movement.
• 1958: Charles de Gaulle, the former leader of the French armed forces in WWII, wins the 1958 presidential election, marking the first and only victory the former general would ever achieve.
• 1973: Love conquers France.
• 1992: A French health study proclaims that drinking 14 classes of red wine per day can help prevent sobriety.
• 2005: Violent riots break out among youth gangs in Paris, forcing France to surrender to France.
• 2009: On the 220th anniversary of the Storming of the Bastille, French architects begin construction on the giant, 75 story, Ivory Tower, which upon completion will stand over 1,000 feet tall, weigh 7 million tons, and be able to permanently house the entire population of France.

Napoleon Bonaparte - "The Littlest General"

A diminutive man no bigger than a thimble, he seized control of France with an adorable coup d'etat in 1799. While riding in the front shirt pocket of his first lieutenant, Napoleon drove the Austrians out of Lombardy. He also developed the revolutionary war tactic of climbing inside one's opponent's mouth, traveling down his trachea, and eating through his vital organs. After successfully conquering half the world, Napoleon was captured in a butterfly net by the owner of a local traveling circus, and in May 1821, drowned in a bowl of vichyssoise. He was buried in a matchbox.

The majority of this was lifted from Le Onion's geography book "Our Dumb World." They're equally rude to everyone.

Labels: history, humor

  ¶ 7/14/2009 12:37:00 PM 0 comments

  The Origin of Love In the past, I've written about love, what it is and isn't. One post featured an excerpt from Plato's Symposium (Greek for "binge-drinking frat party" ... no, I'm not kidding) in which Socrates relates a discussion he had with a priestess named Diatoma. You can read that (rather long) excerpt here. Or, you can read my rather brilliant summary here.

Recently, I purchase the Symposium at a used book sale and took the time to read it. It was absolutely fascinating! The majority of the discussion focused on the "ideal" of pederasty, older males and adolescent boys in relationships. I knew about it, but I had no idea how widespread it was. If I am to take the Symposium as at all indicative of Greek thought, it was considered the highest form of love. One speaker, Phaedrus, makes a compelling case for gays in the military which is summarized by Carlos Mencia in this clip. Basically, you WANT it, because you would A) want to protect and B) not want to look like a coward in front of your lover.

Here is Leonard Bernstein's Serenade for Solo Violin, Strings, Harp and Percussion, a musical interpretation of the Symposium.

But the speech which interested me the most was given by Aristophanes. In short, humans used to be four-legged, four-armed, two-faced, multi-genitalled freaks who were either all male, all female or hermaphrodites. We challenged the gods, so they split us in halves. Love is the seeking and finding of our other half. He, too, believed that homosexuality was the highest form of love, saying that though some people think homosexuals shameless, they are the bravest, most manly of all, and that heterosexuals are mostly adulterous men and unfaithful wives.

Faaaaaascinating! Here is the entire speech in French (with English subtitles) and animated:
And here is a song by Hedwig and the Angry Inch called Origin of Love which tells the same story in song form. It's pretty good.

Labels: love, lyrics, philosophy

  ¶ 6/17/2009 03:30:00 PM 4 comments

  I believe because it is aburd. Some excerpts from Tertullian's De Carne Christe (On the Flesh of Christ):

Natus est Dei Filius, non pudet, quia pudendum est; et mortuus est
Dei Filius, prorsus credibile est, quia ineptum est;
et sepultus resurrexit, certum est, quia impossibile.

The Son of God was born: there is no shame, because it is shameful.
And the Son of God died: it is wholly credible, because it is unsound.
And, buried, He rose again: it is certain, because impossible.

For which is more beneath God's dignity, more a matter of shame,
to be born or to die,
to carry about a body or a cross,
to be circumcised or to be crucified,
to be fed at the breast or to be buried,
to be laid in a manger or to be entombed in a sepulchre?

Labels: religion

  ¶ 6/06/2009 02:41:00 PM 0 comments

  "Union Summer" By Michael Chitwood

Labels: poetry

  ¶ 6/06/2009 02:15:00 PM 0 comments

  Black and Bluegrass OK, I love this more than I can say. It's an NC band of black bluegrass musicians called the Carolina Chocolate Drops. Here they are singing Cornbread and Butterbeans:

Labels: lyrics, music

  ¶ 6/01/2009 03:09:00 PM 0 comments

  All I Want for My Birthday Is ... ... a really cool watch!! Here's my list of favorites:

Sundial Rings:

• This one says Sol lucet omnibus, or "The sun shines on us all." I like the scriptural connotations. Or this one, which says Carpe Diem. Sieze the Lutefisk.
• I lurve this one. It says Semper in aeternum, "Together forever."
• All of the above are relatively expensive (close to $80). This one, I don't like as much, but it uses the same design and is pewter so ... you know ... it's cheap. It is said that Eleanor of Aquitaine gave a similar one to her second husband, Henry, so he would know what time to come home from "hunting."

I have some regular watches I like as well.

• This one, from the unemployed philosopher's guild, features Sisyphus eternally pushing his rock as the second hand.
• This one reminds you to Memento Mori ... time is running out.
• This one, designed by Think Geek, is just cool looking.

Or, you could just get me a double ocarina! I could harmonize with myself!  ¶ 5/19/2009 06:24:00 AM 0 comments

  What Kind of Libertarian Are You?

What Kind of Libertarian Are You? Your Result: Anarchist Anarchists believe that governments protect the interests of the capitalist class, and in the absence of government, private property would cease to exist.
Anarcho-Capitalist
Libertarian Partisan
Paleolibertarian
Geolibertarian
Objectivist
Classical Liberal
Neolibertarian
What Kind of Libertarian Are You? Quiz Created on GoToQuiz

Labels: politics, quiz

  ¶ 4/26/2009 03:13:00 AM 2 comments

  Excerpts from "Rebellion" from "The Brother's Karamazov" by Dostoevsky In this chaper of The Brother's Karamazov, Ivan is explaining his ... not exactly athieism ... to Alyosha. It is followed by The Legend of the Grand Inquisitor. Good reading during Holy Week.

For anyone to love a man, he must be hidden, for as soon as he shows his face, love is gone.

One can love one's neighbours in the abstract, or even at a distance, but at close quarters it's almost impossible.

People talk sometimes of bestial curelty, but that's a great injustice and insult to the beasts. A beast can never be so cruel as a man, so artistically cruel.

I think, if the devil doesn't exist, but man has created him, he has created him in his own image and likeness.

The world stands on absurdities, and perhaps nothing would have come to pass in it without them. We know what we know!

I understand nothing. I don't want to understand anything now. I want to stick to the fact. I made up my mind long ago not to understand. If I try to understand anything, I shall be false to the fact.

I understand solidarity in sin among men. I understand solidarity in retribution, too.

It's not worth the tears of that one tortured child who beat itself in the breast with its little fist and prayed in its stinking outhouse, with its unexpiated tears to "dear, kind God"! It's not worth it, because those tears are unatoned for. They must be atoned for, or there can be no harmony. But how? How are you going to atone for them? Is it possible? By their being avenged? But what do I care for avenging them? What do I care for a hell for oppressors? What good can hell do, since those children have already been tortured? And what becomes of harmony, if there is a hell? I want to forgive. I want to embrace. I don't want more suffering. And if the sufferings of children go to swell the sum of the sufferings which was necessary to pay for truth, then I protest that the truth is not worth such a price. I don't want the mother to embrace the oppressor who threw her son to the dogs! She dare not forgive him! Let her forgive him for herself, if she will, let her forgive the torturer for the immeasurable suffering of her mother's heart. But the sufferings of her tortured child she has no right to forgive; she dare not forgive the torturer, even if the child were to forgive him!

Labels: literature, quote

  ¶ 4/07/2009 05:54:00 AM 2 comments

  So Horrible, It's Cool   ¶ 4/04/2009 11:14:00 AM 1 comments

  If Jack Bauer was a weapon ... ... he'd be an Apache Revolver! Part gun, part knife, part brass knuckles, all awesome!! Eat your heart out, trench knife.

  ¶ 4/01/2009 06:58:00 AM 1 comments

  Patented and Innovative Strategy for the Splenetic or Enraged Dad/Mom An e-mail recently sent to my school:

My Fellow Faculty,

Now that progress reports have gone out and students are struggling to redeem their banished mobile phones, the season of parent conferences is upon us. Thus, I offer you my Patented and Innovative Strategy for the Splenetic or Enraged Dad/Mom free of charge. It is effectively demonstrated in the following video.

And, while I have your attention, ptoday's history is brief, but significant. In 196 B.C., Ptolemy V became pharaoh of Egypt. He's important because he made the difficult ptask of ptranslating hieroglyphics possible by creating the Rosetta Stone. It might have ptaken ptwenty millenia without it.

In 1306, Robert the Bruce was crowned king of Scotland. He narrowly beat out Robert the Bob and Robert the Fred for the task. Robert the Sally wasn't even close. Robert the Bruce was greatly assisted in his task by Mel Gibson. No, seriously! If you look at the statue of William Wallace at the William Wallace memorial, it's clear, if a little disturbing. The Bruce was crowned at the legendary Stone of Scone over which all Scottish kings have been crowned. It is believed to have been the pillow of Jacob/Israel (which explains some of the crazy dreams Jacob had ... and maybe even haggis). In my trunk there is the legendary Scone of Stone which I purchased about five years ago at Starbucks. It was so expensive, I didn't have the heart to eat it. Now, it's so hard, I don't have the stomach (or teeth) to.

Finally, today is the 85th birthday of Sarah Vaughan, the oft-neglected duchess of blues. Here is a truly awesome blues review show that features her. It's well worth watching the entire thing.

Labels: history of the day, humor, school

  ¶ 3/31/2009 06:33:00 PM 0 comments

  You might be a Redneck Jedi if...

• You ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."
• Your Jedi robe is camouflage.
• You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.
• At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.
• You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.
• You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.
• The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.
• Wookiees are offended by your B.O.
• You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.
• You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling.
• Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side...it'll be a hoot."
• You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light up.
• You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.
• You ever fantasized about Princess Leah wearing Daisy Duke shorts.
• You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.
• Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.
• You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.
• You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood deck.
• You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.
• If you hear . . . "Luke, I am your father... and your uncle..."

Labels: humor

  ¶ 3/07/2009 04:35:00 AM 0 comments

  Unforgiving Evangelicals I've been receiving e-mail after e-mail from someone calling themselves the "Christian Action Group." Among other things, they're obsessed with border security and lobbying Congress not to let Obama grant immunity to illegal immigrants. 'Cause, you know, Jesus really cares about that.

As I was fuming over the connection of Christianity with such un-Christian thoughts, I opened another e-mail in which I was discussing the basic, Evangelical teaching about what Jesus did for us on the Cross. The idea is that we were sinners (if I use the Lord's Prayer terminology, "trespassers") and that Jesus, through His death, allowed God the Father to forgive us. This was how I was raised to believe, at least (although I no longer hold that position). But, because many of those who are dead-set against immunity for illegal immigrants also hold this position, let's run with it.

• We are trespassers in God's sight, bound for deportation to Hell.
  
• Jesus death on the Cross essentially grants us immunity and admittance into Heaven. With me so far?
• Illegal immigrants, the majority of whom have committed no crime but to cross without permission, would like to become full citizens. All it would take is for our government to forgive them that sin and grant them immunity.
• Christians (some of them, at least) are unwilling to do this.
• According to the parable of the unforgiving servant, the one who is forgiven much but is unwilling to forgive will be delivered to his tormentors.

So ... that sucks.

In other news, Josiah came up with logical proof that being dumb is evil. Here we go:

• Bright = smart
• According to St. Augustine, bright ≠ dark as evil ≠ good.
• Then, dumb = dark and ≠ bright/good
  
• Thus, dumb = evil

I was so proud. Then, I found out his book report was due last Wenesday and he hadn't even finished the book yet. Why? I forgot to remind him. Why? He turned in the upper portion of his book report instructions instead of the signed, lower portion. Why? Because he's my son, that's why.

Speaking of the book report, it's about Gentle Annie, a Civil War nurse. In doing some research, I found out that "Gentle Annie" is also a name for the Celtic goddess of death (Anann), a song by Stephen Foster, and a Madame during the Chicago Prostitute War of 1857. More importantly, why, oh why, had I never heard of this before?

Labels: humor, philosophy, politics, religion

  ¶ 2/24/2009 02:13:00 PM 0 comments

  κύκλος κλαν Because it's Black History Month, and because I'm currently teaching the Middle East and not Africa, I've been showing bits of the documentary Eyes on the Prize to begin class. Yesterday, a student asked what Ku Klux Klan means. I had no idea. It sounded like a singularly stupid name, so I looked it up. What I found astounded me.

Kuklux is derived from the Greek κύκλος (kyklos) which means "cycle" or "circle." First, I was surprised they knew Greek. I would assume such educated people would be much more tolerant and enlightened. But, upon further reflection, I remembered that the Greeks, Athenians and Spartans, were capable of quite a bit of discrimination and terrorism themselves.

I figured that they chose the term to refer to the closed circle of people who would secretly preserve the Southern way of life. That may be why they chose the term. However, as I read more, I learned that the term refers to a larger idea, anacyclosis, or the cycle of political evolution. I was fascinated. Here's the basic idea:

• Monarchy (good): The first type of government is a monarchy which stabilizes into Kingship.
• Tyranny (bad): The children of the monarch grow up in privilege and begin to abuse their position.
• Aristocracy (good): A wealthy, powerful few overthrow the monarch and establish rule by themselves.
• Oligarchy (bad): The children of the Aristocrats grow up in privilege and begin to abuse their position.
• Democracy (good): The people as a whole overthrow the few and establish rule by the many.
• Ochlocracy/Anarchy (bad): The children of the original people gain a sense of entitlement and try to make themselves better than each other. Mob rule occurs and all seek their own good, leading the masses to be easily swayed by a demagogue which, eventually leads to a new monarchy.

Oh. My. God. I love it! And it's so true! Here is a fantastic website which describes the cycle in more detail along with historical examples, rules, and quotes which support it. Here are some excerpts:

• When inferior, people enter on strife in order that they may be equal, and when equal, in order that they may be greater. - Aristotle
• Aristocracy = Desire of the Few to be greater than the One
• Democracy = Desire of the Many to be greater than the Few
• Tyranny = Desire of the One to be greater than All
• Oligarchy = Desire of the Few to be greater than Most
• Ochlocracy/Anarchy = Desire of the Many to be greater than themselves
• Description of the current state of the United States:

The widespread affluence of the post World-War II era, however, has brought with it the first semblance of OCHLOCRACY. Finding a consensus between what is right and what is wrong grows more elusive in the United States, as is the maintenance of order, even among its own children. Millions have ruined their estates and plunged themselves into debt through lavish living. Millions more have developed an appetite for gifts, and have fallen into the habit of receiving them, and virtually all seem to aim at preeminence. The decrepit oligarchy still rules the United States, and the people are increasingly rallied against them by their leaders. As is required by ochlocracy, political faction will continue to escalate, gradually and inevitably.

• Description of degeneration into Ochlocracy/Anarchy:

But when a new generation arises and the democracy falls into the hands of the grandchildren of its founders, they have become so accustomed to freedom and equality that they no longer value them, and begin to aim at pre-eminence; and it is chiefly those of ample fortune who fall into this error. So when they begin to lust for power and cannot attain it through themselves or their own good qualities, they ruin their estates, tempting and corrupting the people in every possible way. And hence when by their foolish thirst for reputation they have created among the masses an appetite for gifts and the habit of receiving them, democracy in its turn is abolished and changes into a rule of force and violence. For the people, having grown accustomed to feed at the expense of others and to depend for their livelihood on the property of others... degenerate again into perfect savages and find once more a master and monarch.

Wow. Wow, wow, wow. Bow wow, even. This is seriously cool. What kills me is that if those misguided souls who began the KKK knew the political underpinnings of the word they chose for their klan, then they must have believed they were preserving one of the better states of government. I assume they would have thought they were preserving democracy in the face of ochlocracy or tyranny by the gub'mint. But they were really preserving their oligarchy in the face of greater democracy (although brought about by what might be considered tyranny).

This raises all kinds of questions. Did we do Iraq and Afghanistan a disservice by moving them too quickly through the cycle? Where are we on the cycle, really? Were our founding fathers establishing democracy, or an aristocracy? (I tend towards the latter.) If you're not a adynamist, like myself, then is it possible that the form of government is not as important as the people who are governing? That is, would a benevolent monarch constitute a better government than our current Narcissocracy merely because the one in power is good? What would the definition of Obamocracy be?

Labels: politics

  ¶ 2/14/2009 10:58:00 AM 2 comments

  Black History Month For those looking for something a bit different to talk about for Black History month, here you go: "What do Shaka Zulu and I have in common?"

I'm sure you've all heard the song In the Jungle, made famous by the Tokens in 1961. In case you need a refresher, here it is sung by a slightly more modern duo.

The song is a remake of an eariler, African song by Solomon Linda called Mbube, a Zulu word which means "lion." It refers to a legend that Shaka Zulu, the great African military leader, is not dead, but rather sleeping. One day he will awake and save Africa from her oppressors. King Arthur, but with melanin. Now, of course, Shaka was no gem himself. He was known for killing women because they "smelled like witches." But, hey, no one's perfect. Even Nelson Mandela was a terrorist for a while. But Shaka's methods of warfare were so successful that no other tribe could withstand him, and the Zulus almost defeated the British.

I don't want to Boer you, so I'll move on. (tee hee) Linda's version of the song was written and recorded in 1939. In that version, the lion is a good thing. "You're a lion" the translation goes, "Every morning, you bring us good luck." Eventually, it found its way to Pete Seeger, who rewrote it. The song made millions for several groups in the U.S., but Linda was not recompensed (not fairly, at least) for his authorship. To be fair, Seeger was not happy about this, although Linda's descendents were recently given a substantial, monetary offering by the record company.

So, to summarize, an African writes and records a song about a legendary, African chieftan who will drive the oppresive Europeans from Africa. A series of Americans essentially steal the song without giving proper recognition or recompense to the man who originally wrote it. In addition, the substance of the lyrics were drastically changed so that the lion, rather than something (or someone) to be celebrated, was feared. "Hush, my darling, don't fear, my darling; the lion sleeps tonight."

So, what does this have to do with me? Patience! Well, Linda's song was so popular, it gave rise to a whole new style of singing called "Mbube" after the song. One of the most well known groups from that genre is Ladysmith Black Mambazo. Here's a clip of them singing Mbube the song. Paul Simon brought them to worldwide fame when he deliberately sought them out to assist on his "Graceland" album in 1985. They also were featured on his "Rhythm of the Saints" album. Thus, in some ways, Simon made up for the earlier mistakes of other American musicians.

And, of course, Paul Simon is one of my all-time favorite musical artists. That is what Shaka Zulu and I have in common. I haven't found the connection to Kevin Bacon yet, but give me time.

Labels: history, music

  ¶ 2/14/2009 09:19:00 AM 0 comments

  Meet the New Boss, Same As the Old Boss After the initial rush to prove that the change in administration has brought transparency, it turns out that Obama isn't really all that different. His rhetoric regarding Iran is almost as bellicose. His bailout is bigger and wrongminded. I could laud him for preparing to pull out of Iraq, but he's just choosing a different battlefield. I could praise him for pronouncing "Iraq" and "nuclear" correctly, but he's almost as bad at Bush at unscripted speaking. And I could thank him for closing down Gitmo, but then I see this:

During the campaign, Mr. Obama harshly criticized the Bush administration’s treatment of detainees, and he has broken with that administration on questions like whether to keep open the prison camp at Guantánamo Bay, Cuba. But a government lawyer, Douglas N. Letter, made the same state-secrets argument on Monday, startling several judges on the United States Court of Appeals for the Ninth Circuit.

Yeeeeeesssss .... the bitter taste of "being right after all." I'm usually not a huge fan of the ACLU, but I don't think I could put it better than Anthony Romero (their executive director who, interestingly, could hardly have more of a mob boss name) did:

This is not change. This is definitely more of the same. Candidate Obama ran on a platform that would reform the abuse of state secrets, but President Obama’s Justice Department has disappointingly reneged on that important civil liberties issue. If this is a harbinger of things to come, it will be a long and arduous road to give us back an America we can be proud of again.

Well, I could put it better, but The Who already did it for me.

Labels: lyrics, politics

  ¶ 2/11/2009 05:12:00 AM 0 comments

  Teaching Math 1. Teaching Math In 1970

A logger sells a truck load of timber for $1000. His cost of production is 4/5 of the selling price. What is his profit?

2. Teaching Math In 1980

A logger sells a truck load of timber for $1000. His cost of production is 4/5 of the selling price, or $800. What is his profit?

3. Teaching Math In 1990

A logger sells a truck load of timber for $1000. His cost of production is $800. Did he make a profit?

4. Teaching Math In 2000

A logger sells a truck load of timber for $1000. His cost of production is $800 and his profit is $200. Your assignment: Underline the number 200.

5. Teaching Math In 2009

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is totally selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $200. What do you think of this way of making a living?

Topic now for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers. If you are upset about the plight of the animals in question counseling will be available.)

Labels: humor

  ¶ 1/22/2009 06:58:00 AM 2 comments

  Which Church Father Are You?

You are Origen!

You do nothing by half-measures. If you’re going to read the Bible, you want to read it in the original languages. If you’re going to teach, you’re going to reach as many souls as possible, through a proliferation of lectures and books. If you’re a guy and you’re going to fight for purity … well, you’d better hide the kitchen shears.

Check out Origen, Prayer, Exhortation to Martyrdom for more information on Origen.

Labels: quiz, religion

  ¶ 1/22/2009 06:17:00 AM 0 comments

  Back in Black or Undercover Brother?
I'm not sure what else to call it. After sitting through days of nothing but coverage of today's impending inauguration ... well ... there's more excitement about it than God being born as man. And after yesterday, which I can only consider the feastday St. Martin Luther King Jr. (or Obamamas Eve), I just know in my bones that this day, or some day associated with Obama, will become a national holiday before I die. Might as well get a head start on it now. And, in a linguistic twist of fate, the almost president's first name, Barack, means "blessed" (like the Hebrew baruch). So "Blessed Obamamas" is also "Barack Obamamas." It must be, as my evangelical friends and family like to put it, "a god thing." I'm thinking of writing some carols:

• Have a blessed Obamamas. It's the best time of the year ...
• IIIIIIII'm dreaming of a blaaaaaaack White House, just like the King once told me toooooo.....
• Bring a torch Sasha and Malia ...
• Middle name is Hussein, first name Barack ...
• M.L. King and Obama are brothers born just decades apart ....
  
• Obama and El Bushie, when they are in the town, of all the men in Washington, Obama wears the crown ...

I suppose, if Bush had a carol, it would be:

He sees you when you're sleeping He knows when you're awake He knows if you've been bad ... So, you better watch out ...

Seriously, though, I'm getting kind of sick of it. The pinnacle of my nausea was during the festivities of Obamamas Eve Eve (Sunday) at the marathon concert in honor of the blessed one. I flipped back and forth to see who was participating in the cavalcade of musical worshipers offering their hymns and had to pause in horror at Bono. After chanting "Let freedom ring," he offered a paean to Obama which kind of made my skin crawl.

The thing is, I don't really have a problem with Obama himself. It will be nice to be able to listen to a president speak without recoiling in horror at the butchering of the English language. I like that he's slow and deliberate rather than impulsive. I probably won't agree with most of his decisions, but I expect him to be a thinker before he's a decider. In short, I certainly don't think he'll be any worse than the last eight years.

No, my problem with this is the utter devotion that he is afforded. My concerns generally fall under three categories. First, it is scary. The last time we all supported someone this much was right after 9/11. Whoops! And which president had similar approval ratings before coming into office? Jimmy Carter (who I really like, but you get the point). We pinned similar hopes and dreams on FDR, a president who was only able to turn the economy around by instituting the biggest public works initiative in U.S. history. Today, we call it WWII. We are in troubled times (though not nearly so troubled as most of the rest of the world lives in daily), and someone comes up offering hope. So what do we do? We throw everything at his feet and expect him to fix it for us. At least Jesus, as the throngs threw their cloaks at His feet, had the decency to piss everyone off in the temple so they'd know He wasn't what they wanted, just what they needed.

My second problem, which has to do with the hope thing, is that history paints a pretty clear picture of what to expect. Why would this man and his administration be able to succeed where all others through history have failed? Yes we can ... what? Go against an inexorable tide of cyclical self-interest and sin? No, we can't. At best, he will try and his hands will be tied by other forces. The world will intrude into all this change and create what always has been. Consider Africa, especially Kenya. Who knew that Obama was actually going to be president of the U.S. AND an entire other continent? Now, I know that it's not Obama's fault, and I know that Africans largely live lives of abject desperation. But they are pinning their hopes on this man who, although he might be sympathetic and even willing to help, will not be able to DO anything. Not only does he have this country to worry about, but his hands are tied when it comes to helping outside our borders. And it is the same here. And here I do blame Obama. Everyone has such hope, hope he raised deliberately as a part of his campaign, hope tied to his person. Hope which, frankly, I don't think he will be able to make good. Maybe, possibly, his very example will be such that we'll end up helping ourselves (and others). Even then, though, I'll be grumpy because the glory will be attributed to him when, in true Libertarian fashion, I feel it should be given to the People.

My third problem, which inspired the Obamamas thing, is the almost religious nature of the devotion to the blessed one. (The B.O.?) I was raised to hate icons and crucifixes as near idols, but to venerate the flag as a holy symbol of God's most favored country. The saints were pious legends at best, and outright lies at worst, but the Founding Fathers like Washington, Jefferson, Franklin and Adams were God's people and their words were all but Holy Writ. We should almost carry one of those Bibles with the Psalms and NT with a little Constitution included. Don't make the papist sign of the cross or say "Hail Mary," but by all means place your right hand over your heart and say with holy reverence:

I pledge allegiance ...

Eventually, I saw that for what it was, and is; worship of nation. It is at least assigning a sacred meaning to that which is purely secular and probably nigh idolatrous. The interesting thing was that I usually saw this reverence for nation and leaders as a conservative, right-wing phenomenon. How many times can Sean Hannity call the U.S. "... the greatest nation ever made by man and blessed by God throughout history in the whole world"? Please! But, as I watched the festivities, I noted that same tone of worship coming from the left. I recall an African-American art teacher with whom I once worked (who jokingly said my middle name was "Very") who wouldn't allow her children to say the Pledge "... until there is 'liberty and unity for all.'" I wonder if they get to say it now.

As an aside, I can see that Conservatives also recognize this worship, and are scared. It kind of makes me laugh to see them grasping at straws to prove him unfit for the presidency somehow, some way. All I have to say is, even if he isn't a natural-born citizen of this country, this is expiation for the 2000 election. But back to the issue at hand.

Long has Martin Luther King Jr. been afforded an almost sacred place, and rightly so, but for the wrong reasons. It is not THAT he fought, or WHY he fought, but HOW he fought that makes him special. Nat Turner fought. Why don't we honor him? Or John Brown? Anyway, now Obama is riding on the coat-tails of that devotion to (unless he REALLY screws it up) an almost certain place in the pantheon of American gods. We watched The Matrix with Josiah this past weekend. And as I heard Morpheus speaking of "The One" and all the hopes pinned on him by the desperate humans, it was like listening to the rhetoric about Obama. (So, does this make me the traitor character?) And it bugs me. It seriously bugs me. Why? Not just because he hasn't done anything yet (which he hasn't). Not because he's a bad person (which, to my knowledge, he isn't, at least any more than most of our other American gods).

There are many ways in which Obama could be compared to Jesus. His father seems to be largely absent in his life. He offers hope which seems irrational and unreasonable. Is "inauguration" THAT far from "incarnation"? I mean, the root word of "inaugurate" is "augur," which means a priest or prophet. I'm just sayin', is all. But perhaps most compelling, he unites in himself two natures which are seemingly at odds and offers potential reconciliation between the two. With Jesus, it was God and man. Often, in the Catholic and Protestant churches, we assume that the main (or only) reason God was born as man was to create a perfect sacrifice to appease God. There was no man who could do it, so God did it for us. But for much of the Church, that Union was an End unto Itself, a goal achieved all on It's own.

Obama, of course, unites black and white. He is a true African-American, as his father was from Kenya and his mother from this country. He is what I heard a commentator call a "magic negro." In cinema, you get characters like Will Smith's from Bagger Vance and that big guy from The Green Mile who help the white folks, the main characters, learn what they need to learn. That said, Obama is the main character in this story, at least so far. But what concerns me even more is not his "dual nature," but that he doesn't seem to have one. And it is this that brings me to the title of this post. I had considered other titles, like:

• Good to the last drop
• Shades of Gray

A couple of weeks ago, Josiah asked me:

Are we people without color?

and

If a white person moved to Africa, would they be called American-African?

These questions highlighted what a confusing issue this is for oppressors like myself. Quite aside from the issue of prejudice or racism is the issue of race itself, primarily, how to define it. Whenever I start teaching about Africa, I always have the student who wants to know why there is a country called "N***er." Then, I go into a boring, etymological lesson about the Latin root of all those words and how it just means "black." Still, today, "black" is often used to refer to those of African descent. Polite people use "African-American." But, as Josiah points out, would this hyphenation extend to any white person in Africa? It is for this reason that "African-American" has fallen out of favor of late. Rising in popularity is the term "people (or person) of color." But Josiah points out problem with that phrase as well. Aside from that, I also wonder about defining someone by their melanin content. Isn't that kind of the opposite of what MLK was talking about? It just seems to me that Obama is more adored for his color, not who he is or what he has done.

But that's not really what worries me. My question is this: Why is Obama "the first black president"? Why is he defined by that portion of his heritage that is "black"? (From this point on, for lack of a better term, I will use "black." I ask pardon for any offense this may cause.) I REALLY don't want to rob black people of an achievement by one of their race to whom they can look to for inspiration and hope. But calling Obama black, although his mother was white, concerns me. Here's why.

Over twenty years ago, when I was spending the night at my (very liberal and racially sensitive) grandmother's house, I saw a portion of the musical Showboat. It made a lasting impression on me. When my voice changed, I was so pleased that I could sing the small section of Old Man River that I still remembered. But there was another scene which was burned into my memory even more strongly. A man and a woman, two performers on the boat, were in love. It was discovered that the woman had a black grandfather or something. She was about to be booted from the boat and taken from the man when he suddenly sliced her palm and drank some of her blood. Then, they both had to leave.

I didn't understand it fully at the time. Later, I learned of the One-Drop Rule. Basically, if you have any non-white blood in your veins, you're not white. We have to maintain the purity of the race, after all. Consider these highly disturbing quotes:

The cross between a white man and an Indian is an Indian; the cross between a white man and a negro is a negro; the cross between a white man and a Hindu is a Hindu; and the cross between any of the three European races and a Jew is a Jew.
- Madison Grant of Virginia in The Passing of the Great Race

Let us turn a deaf ear to those who would interpret Christian brotherhood as racial equality...Two races as materially divergent as the White and Negro, in morals, mental powers, and cultural fitness, cannot live in close contact without injury to the higher.
- Walter Plecker: inventor of the home incubator, first Registrar of Virginia's Bureau of Vital Statistics, and personally responsible for the 50% decline in birthing deaths for black mothers (go figure!)

Of course, it was not thus for all races at all times. One could be somewhere around 1/32 American Indian and be considered white. And in other areas they had slightly more sane, if somewhat weird, tests for purity. For instance, in Apartheid controlled S. Africa they had the Pencil Test. If one could place a pencil in one's hair without said pencil falling out (due to the kinkiness of the hair), then one was coloured. Of course, given that test, my mom would have failed. Although there is a rumor of a slave somewhere down her line ... and she was once denied service in a restaurant because they thought she was black. Maybe I should run for president!!!

If you haven't taken my point yet, I'll spell it out for you. It seems to me that calling Obama "black" is a disturbing echo of the concept of white racial purity. And, lest I seem like a crazy white boy, allow me to enlist some help from one of the heroes of the Harlem Renaissance, Langston Hughes, who said:

You see, unfortunately, I am not black. There are lots of different kinds of blood in our family. But here in the United States, the word 'Negro' is used to mean anyone who has any Negro blood at all in his veins. In Africa, the word is more pure. It means all Negro, therefore black. I am brown.

I'll bring in Tiger Woods as well, a guest of honor at the inauguration today. He outed himself as 1/2 Asian (Chinese and Thai), 1/4 African American, 1/8 Native American, and 1/8 Dutch. He refers to his ethnic make-up as “Cablinasian” (a portmanteau he coined from Caucasian, Black, American Indian, and Asian). Sounds kind of like a mixed drink. "Bartender, I'd like a Cablinasian on the rocks, please." According to Time magazine, Woods' coming out as a Cablinasian caused

a mini-racial firestorm ... Woods' remarks infuriated many African Americans who ... see him as a traitor ... Some blacks saw Woods' assertion of a multiracial identity as a sellout that could touch off an epidemic of 'passing.'

Light-skinned Colin Powell, responding to Woods' comments, said:

In America, which I love from the depths of my heart and soul, when you look like me, you're black.

And there it is. The reason why Obama must be black is because, for many years, people with black ancestry had to deny it in order to "pass" as white. It is a matter of pride for a people stepped on for centuries. In one survey 55% of European Americans and 61% of Hispanic Americans classified Obama as biracial when told that he had a white mother, while 66% of African Americans considered him black. And, although I can sympathize with the desire to be proud of one's once hidden ancestry, as the author of the survey commented:

Even though we've come a long way, we've not completely moved beyond the ‘One Drop Rule,' the segregation-era notion that even a tiny percentage of non-white ancestry ('one drop of non-white blood') classified a person as ‘colored'.

So, what do I want for Obamamas? While much of the country, and the world, rushes to the Obamaltar, I want Christians to cease their worship of the U.S. and her heroes. Cross before country, always. I want a little reservation, even cautious cynicism, rather than rampant, hapless hope. Wait and watch and work. I want Obama to keep his head, be a good man, husband and father, and for the entire family to remain relatively unmarred by his time in office.

But, most of all, I wish we would all cease to think of white people as the pinnacle of racial purity which any lesser blood sullies. Maybe Obama could just be "the first non-white president." Would that be enough?

Regardless, have a blessed Obamamas. It is, after all, the best time of the year. I wonder how long it will take to become "O-mas."

(If you're not offended enough, here are two more posts on race, mostly having to do with education.)

Labels: politics

  ¶ 1/19/2009 03:57:00 PM 5 comments